Hey sis. I haven’t wrote to you in a while on here because I’ve been trying to endure, and haven’t been visiting the general pain, why does that feel like a betrayal to you? I’ve just been surviving. Although our conversations and interactions carry on still. I think I am making progress, and my heart is repairing… And then something always reminds me that it isn’t. I don’t think I’m ever gonna be fully happy again after you. Nothing else lives up and I have never received the same love as you gave so freely since you left. You are one in a million Né and why did I think I knew it then? I really didn’t. Your boy is you. He is beautiful. He is loving, deep thinking, smart beyond belief, creative and light shines from his skin just like yours. I am so very grateful you allowed me into your lives so I can forever continue to see you through your boy as he grows into this light being of a young man. It is not only a privilege but a job I will never stop doing and forever will be honoured to be Auntie. Evie asks about you all the time and I’m sure you are with her more than I know… She loves you. Her connection to you is clear and she knows and will always know who her Auntie Né Né is. You were our family we chose, the family we made based solely on love and care. Please help me find our memories under the dark cloak of trauma in my brain. I feel like I have been robbed of the warmest moments and rid of the darkest ones. I ask only that you guide me back to them, I am open to you completely. I know you are not gone… Energy doesn’t die. I miss your human avatar… Your laugh. I miss hugging. I don’t do that much since you left. You gave the best hugs… I miss singing with you and teaching you little bits and bobs on the guitar. I miss our everyday routines with the kids and sunny days in the garden. I’d give everything and more to just have one memory back. You are and will always be one of my reasons to never stop until life isn’t being lived, as opposed to endured and survived. You were my real life Angel, my unofficially adopted sister. A big part of our family. A huge part. Feel you soon. (Seeing, feeling, hearing… It’s all the same now). I love you sis.