Having a “I can’t do this” moment. It’s a day where you’re on my mind just playing on a loop. Every little detail of the final months, the day of… Being triggered so hard and biting my fucking tongue. People are fake, literally the devil incarnate and in the middle of the destruction and chaos I see our sweet, pure littles. Our babies. The ones who deserve the world’s best and are given hell. We’re adults, and we deal with the shit as best we can, but what about them? And when all is done and mulled over for the millionth time… I reset myself to keep doing it over and over again. The “I can’t” turns into “I have to” and we continue. I can’t even bring myself to go to your spot right now, and it’s like everyday it’s on repeat and I’m re-traumatised. Maybe it might be time to get some help. Moving well and thriving through the survival of every other ounce of trauma but you? Just no. How do I accept you’re gone? How could I ever be okay with not living with you at my side knowing you’d be where I’m heading right now, schooling me on it as we moved through life together. The memories I have, the love we gave… It was special. Only blood separated us and I’ll do everything in my power to preserve it. I’m building a life we can all escape to one day. Cause this isn’t it. Not for any of us. I refuse for it to be. Family is way more special when you choose it. I’m crying so hard today Né and my heart hurts from missing you, missing then when and then. Being present in the now does that. The physical aches and there’s no painkiller to relieve it. I so badly wanna save them. But I can’t, I’m helpless. It’s like trying to put a plaster on a fucking broken bone that’s encased by a huge, fleshy, gaping hole. And it just bleeds and bleeds and bleeds. Please be near me, I would give a thousand lives to just have a hug from you right now. Even through the good and the bad I just wanna pick up the phone and I can’t. I truly truly love you my big sister. And I was so very lucky to have spent such a huge chunk of your life with you. I still am. You mean everything to me, and I’ll make damn sure your memory is kept alive and your contingency carried out. Thank you for showing me what true love is. Family. Unity and strength, and how very wrong you were to have believed for one second we’d be better off without you. I love you with all the broken pieces of my heart you left here with me. Night night. 💔